THE UNSPOKEN EMOTION- SHAME

Before we acutally tap into Shame lets tap into why it's called a “self-conscious emotion".

To be self-conscious implies an ability to self-reflect and self-evaluate. Which, by nature, requires a sense of self, a set of values and standards, and the ability to compare oneself to others. Self-conscious emotions allow us to relate to and judge ourselves against those around us. Additionally, these emotions make us aware of how other people perceive us.

They are –

• Shame
• Guilt
• Embarrassment
• Humiliation

▪️ Shame – as a Self-Conscious Emotion. 

It is important to pay attention to our shame because it is the most detrimental emotion we experience. Shame doesn’t motivate us to do better – quite the opposite. Instead, shame triggers lowered self-esteem and prompts behaviours that reinforce a negative self-image.

‘Shame, like all the self-conscious emotions, is not learned. It is an action pattern and is the consequence of a specific set of complex ideas about the self. It is a wish to hide, disappear, or die. This experience of shame results in the disruption of ongoing behaviour, confusion in thought, and an inability to speak. The action pattern of shame includes a shrinking of the body, a collapse of the shoulders and head—part of the feeling of wanting to disappear from oneself or others.’

Shame is the sense that somehow, we ourselves are defective or deficient in a fundamental way. It is a deep sense of not being good enough, of not measuring up, of being damaged goods, of not belonging, of being unworthy, of feeling unlovable. It is commonly attached to themes such as personal appearance or attractiveness, including racial background, height, weight, and skin colour; issues related to competence, including social skills, ethics, values, and empathy; sexuality and intimacy; power and social efficacy; and personal beliefs.

📌Shame is not necessarily a destructive or negative emotion, and the brief “shocks” can highlight the need for connection and the imperative to belong. It has a powerful positive role in bonding us with our close attachment figures, integrating us into social groups and, especially, reintegrating us when things go wrong. According to Louis Cozolino “appropriate shame supports development of conscience, deepens our empathic abilities, and allows us to have mutually supportive relationships”. A step up from brief jolts of shame are those experiences in which we feel humiliated in a social context — perhaps when we are ignored or publicly criticised, when our ideas are ridiculed or our wishes overridden. Or it could be that some aspect of our appearance, ability, ethnicity, or belief system is referred to sarcastically or in a joke and others giggle in agreement.

▪️ What is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?

Dr. Brene Brown is a leading researcher and an expert in shame, vulnerability, courage, and authenticity. Brown says, “Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behaviour. Shame is I am bad; Guilt is I did something bad.”

▪️ Help With Shame and Self-Conscious Emotions-

Working on addressing and reducing our own internalized shame is not a walk in the park. It might sound simple – share your feelings of shame with someone you trust. But we all know that some things are easier said than done. Here’s the cold-hard truth. If you don’t practice vulnerability, your shame isn’t going anywhere. Granted, practicing vulnerability is uncomfortable, awkward, and sometimes even anxiety-provoking. Vulnerability is our friend who feels more like a frenemy. Working with a therapist is often the best way to share feelings.

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Many people think being vulnerable means you are exposed, weak, inadequate, or defenceless. However, people who practice vulnerability are usually courageous, brave, and often more resilient for doing so. Practicing vulnerability means revealing your authentic self. Flaws, mistakes, regrets, secrets, and all.

 Vulnerability is a sincere, honest, and meaningful expression of your deepest thoughts and feelings to someone you trust. The evidence is irrefutable, human beings are hard-wired for connection. And the driving force behind connection is vulnerability. Without vulnerability, it is not possible to build healthy connections with others.